


Making Amends

by mansikka



Series: Making Amends [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Getting to Know Each Other, Human Castiel, M/M, Nervous Castiel, Normal Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 01:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5892886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been two months. Two months of quiet, but continual insistence, not quite pushing, although it was absolutely clear that Dean had no intention of ever giving up.</p><p>Quite what Dean wasn't planning on giving up on was uncertain, which just added to Cas' overall confusion, and made him over-think every single word he wrote.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Making Amends

Cas looked around his apartment critically for probably the first time since moving in.

It was small, he acknowledged, one bedroom and a tiny shower room, and a larger living area with a decent-sized kitchen occupying one end. He was thankful that he had to do his laundry in the basement of the building, not relishing the thought of the level of noise a washing machine rattling around on the floorboards would make.

But, he thought approvingly, it was without a doubt, home. It was most definitely his space; there were enough little touches to make it recognisably _his_ , and the few people who had visited had shown enough appreciation for the place for Cas to feel pleased, if not marginally proud.

Having friends over for dinner was a whole different thing to what he was about to endure though, and Cas' stomach knotted again in fear, questioning his decision once again.

It had been two months. Two months of quiet, but continual insistence, not quite pushing, although it was absolutely clear that Dean had no intention of ever giving up.

Quite what Dean wasn't planning on giving up on was uncertain, which just added to Cas' overall confusion, and made him over-think every single word he wrote.

He knew it involved more contact between them and more speaking, and Cas had been adamant: he wasn’t sure, and he wasn’t ready, and it was too much far too soon.

Besides. he had his own life now, he really had.

He kept pressing that point, over and over.

But in the end, Cas had caved, and reluctantly agreed for Dean to visit.

 _Okay_ , he amended. So it wasn't so much reluctant agreement, and more...natural progression, he allowed himself. And if he was totally being honest with himself here, his resistance to seeing Dean came from what he thought he _should_ do, not from what he wanted.

Cas sucked in a breath, his mind wandering over some of their messages. Not that he'd memorised any of them; not word for word, anyway.

The first text he received from Dean after he'd left Cas hadn't even been able to bring himself to reply to.

_Dean W: Real good to see you today, Cas. Thanks for meeting me. You need anything, you let me know, okay?_

But Dean didn't seem able to stop himself from texting, whether Cas answered or not.

_Dean W: Hey, Cas :) Kansas looks really good this morning. Thinking about taking a drive._

_Dean W: Hey, Cas :) Sam's got man flu! Such a baby... I'm making chicken and rice soup to shut him up :)_

_Dean W: God, this weather. Feels like the apocalypse all over again, huh Cas? :D_

_Dean W: Hope you're not working too hard, Cas._

When Cas finally took to responding with more than one word answers, the conversations had started simple and with little personal content.

_Dean W: Hey, Cas :) how's it going today?_

_Castiel: It is going well, thank you._

_Dean W: Anything to tell me?_

_Castiel: Nothing significant has happened since you left._

_Dean W: Right. But you're okay, right?_

_Castiel: I am fine._

_Dean W: What are you working on today?_

_Castiel: Arabic scholarly article on fuel consumption translated into Dutch._

_Dean W: Sounds complicated._

_Castiel: Actually I find it quite interesting._

_Dean W: ...geek ;)_

_Castiel: I accept that. :)_

But personal couldn't help bleeding through in some way.

_Dean W: Hey, Cas. Nearly gave myself a heart attack today. Sam and me, we were interviewing this guy, and I swear. This other guy walked right passed us, actual image of you. Trenchcoat. Crooked tie. Bedhead hair._

_Castiel: I'm sorry if it caused you distress. I can assure you it was not me. I do not even own a trenchcoat any more._

_Dean W: No, no distress. Just...was a shock is all._

_Castiel: ...what is 'bedhead' hair?_

_Dean W: YOUR hair is bedhead hair, Cas. Constantly messy, either like you just woke up, or had your fingers through it. Or someone else's..._

_Castiel: My friend Josie says I have 'Harry Potter' hair. She tried to draw a scar on my forehead with eyeliner last week..._

_Dean W: So this friend Josie. How'd you meet?_

_Castiel: At the book club. She works at a laboratory out of town. She's a chemist. She plays tennis very badly. She hit me with a racket last time we played. I told her she was a dangerous opponent and now she refuses to play at all._

_Dean W: How's Josie?_

_Castiel: I assume she is well. I haven't spoken to her for a few days; she is attending a conference in Minneapolis._

_Dean W: Do you miss her?_

_Castiel: I do not believe there is any need to miss her. She will not be gone for long._

_Dean W: Doesn't have to be a long time to miss someone, Cas._

_Dean W: And it's not about NEEDING to miss someone, Cas. You don't get to choose it._

_Dean W: I miss you, Cas..._

_Castiel: Dean..._

_Dean W: I do. I won't lie about it._

_Castiel: Then I shall be honest and also admit that at times, I miss you too, Dean._

_Dean W: :)_

_Alright,_ Cas conceded to himself in increasingly frantic chastise _, at times_ really meant _all the time_ , but he couldn't be telling Dean that.

_Dean W: How's Josie?_

_Castiel: Are you aware of how many conversations you start with those exact words?_

_Dean W: Just trying to be polite about the people in your life, Cas._

_Castiel: Then why do you never ask about how my other friends are?_

_Dean W: ...because you haven't told me about 'other' friends?_

_Castiel: What do you wish to know?_

_Dean W: ...Is Josie just a friend, Cas?_

_Castiel: Yes, Dean. All of my friends are 'just friends'._

_Dean W: Okay :)_

Cas had fought with the idea that Dean's constant interest in Josie might be tainted with jealousy, because that would be too complex for him to deal with. And too much to hope for. And not something he should be thinking about, not at all.

Instead, he had, over a series of texts, told Dean about the few friends he had made. It felt good, having this life full of anecdotes that he could recall to Dean that were so very separate from the life he had known _before_. It made him feel a sense of accomplishment that he had gone and successfully made a new life for himself, even if it was a life that had been forced on him. It also gave him a small amount of glee knowing that it would remind Dean he was doing fine without him. And then he felt mean.

Dean was trying so hard for Cas; it was obvious in every line of text, and equally evident in the things he didn't say as well. But something in Cas insisted on being cruel from time to time, and whilst he often hated being so vindictive, he felt little control over it.

***

_Dean W: How're you doing today, Cas?_

_Castiel: I hurt. Everywhere._

_Missed call from Dean W_

_Dean W: Cas. What happened? You okay? Need me to come? What do you need?_

_Castiel: I am fine, Dean. It is mostly.... 'self-inflicted'._

_Dean W: What happened???!!!_

_Castiel: I attended a 'roller-disco'. And then drank several beers. And a little whiskey._

_Castiel: Perhaps a lot of whiskey..._

_Dean W: ...so you just scared the shit out of me, when all you meant to say was that you were sore from roller-skating (...seriously, Cas?) and are hungover???_

_Castiel: I enjoyed the skating immensely. The hangover not so much._

_Dean W: :D lots of water. Greasy food. Got a diner nearby?_

_Castiel: The best. Perhaps when I feel less like shooting myself I will go._

_Dean W: So this diner you mentioned..._

_Castiel: I have recovered from my hangover now, Dean._

_Dean W: I know. But a man's gotta eat, right?_

_Castiel: Indeed. Though I mostly cook at home._

_Dean W: ...you cook??_

_Castiel: Of course, Dean. I cannot exist solely on pizza and burgers, as much as I enjoy them._

_Dean W: ...are you good?_

_Castiel: Acceptable. My friends have not complained about my efforts._

_Dean W: You've cooked for other people?!_

_Castiel: Yes._

_Dean W: What?_

_Castiel: What did I cook?_

_Dean W: Yeah._

_Castiel: Many things. I like pasta. Lasagne. Spaghetti and meatballs. Tagliatelle. Macaroni and cheese._

_Dean W: **whines** soooo hungry now_

_Castiel: :D_

_Dean W: See now I have a problem..._

_Castiel: … what is the problem, Dean?_

_Dean W: Well. I asked about the diner because I thought... maybe... if you wouldn't mind me visiting... we could go there? With you saying it's the 'best' and all that. But now I know you cook... I don't know... maybe I could try your cooking?_

_Castiel: I see..._

_Dean W: I mean... I'm not pushing, Cas. Honestly I'm not. But I'd love to see you..._

And in fairness to Dean, he really hadn't started hinting, or outright asking to visit, for at least two weeks after they'd seen each other.

***

Cas hadn't wanted to look forward to Dean's texts. He'd barely resisted not being the one to message first every day, and it was every day that they spoke. But every time he heard his phone beep he felt a jolt, hoping for it to be Dean.

He'd gotten so angry with himself at the start that he'd even tried switching it to silent mode. But that only seemed to make things worse; he couldn't keep himself away from his phone for a minute, which prevented him from getting any work done at all.

For a while, he'd deftly change the subject whenever Dean had asked about visiting. Cas couldn't tell, not really, from a text, whether Dean was upset by his outright avoidance or not.

Dean's lack of obvious reaction to Cas' avoidance made Cas even more aware of the effort Dean was going to for him, trying really, really hard to give Cas exactly what he asked for, instead of second-guessing what he thought he needed.

It made him think so fondly of Dean at times that he caught himself smiling for no good reason, getting angry at himself for doing it, and then taking it all out on Dean in his messages.

Dean never once complained, or accused him of being unkind, even though he would have been entitled to on so many occasions.

A new level of affection had steadily grown in Cas for Dean, and he felt powerless to fight against it.

It was a very, very tiring cycle.

***

At some point, Dean had stopped asking to visit.

On one particular scroll back through their texts, Cas noticed it, picking up on the change of language. It did nothing but confuse him even more.

_Dean W: So when I come to visit, I'm bringing you this honey Sam found. I know you'll like it; I made this honey and mustard thing last night and Sam practically drooled all over his lettuce._

_Dean W: :( Baby's pulling to the right. I'll have to work on her when we get back to the bunker tomorrow; she might be off the road for a couple of days. Though it's not like there's not plenty of other cars around, so I can still come see you whenever ;)_

_Dean W:  I'm looking forward to seeing this bar you keep talking about, Cas._

_Dean W: I guess you've not told your friends about me, huh? Not sure what you'd say to be honest, now I think about it. Wonder if we'll get along..._

Only he had.

His friends did know about Dean. He hadn't been explicit with his details, or about why things were the way they were; and they were good enough people not to pry too much. But Cas was no longer the kind of person blissfully unaware of unspoken looks between other people, and hidden messages in their words; he knew they suspected and wondered a lot about his and Dean’s relationship.

So did he.

Cas let out another long sigh at his jumble of memories, and his eyes glanced over to the couch where Dean would be sleeping. It was long, and wide, and Cas had fallen asleep on it enough times to know it was comfortable enough. He mentally checked that he had adequate spare bedding; pointless really, since it was purchased exactly for the purpose of Dean visiting, then folded away to give the pretence that he'd gone to no effort at all for him.

Cas exhaled another groan.

Sam would still probably have to drape his legs over the arm a little were he to lay on the couch, Cas thought, and instantly his mind was off again.

***

_He was pacing; should he really be pacing? What purpose did it serve? In theory, he could just slam the laptop lid down at any minute and not have to talk about anything he didn't want to. He was in total control of the situation._

_Cas caught his own reflection in the mirror on his wall and scowled; this was a Skype call. Nothing at all to feel so nervous about._

_It wasn't even like Skyping was a new thing for him. Since taking online work he'd had many meetings over Skype, and Cas found that he enjoyed it much more than he did regular phone calls. There was something very honest about being able to see someone's face, body language and their overall gestures that made Skype so much more personal. It was also incredibly resourceful, especially in his line of work; he could edit and make amendments whilst they were there with him, and he'd instantly know if they were happy with his suggestions or not._  

_Skyping with Dean should not be such a terrifying prospect._

_He comforted himself, although he wasn't sure why, that for this first Skype conversation Sam would be there too._

_Sam had even been the one to suggest it, and Cas wondered how much of that was down to Dean telling Sam that Cas never answered his calls, and just replied to them much later by text._

_Cas couldn't tell Dean, or anyone, how much he missed the sound of Dean's voice. Then imagined seeing his face, and groaned._

_Skype was going to be challenging._

_Cas heard the familiar beep of an incoming call, and flung himself into the chair in front of the laptop with a pounding heart. Trembling fingers accepted, and in the few seconds it took for the camera to unpixelate and show their faces, Cas held his breath and fixed a smile on his face._

_Sam waved enthusiastically, smiling back at him in that open, welcoming way only Sam could really smile. Dean sat close beside him, and Cas could tell by the angle of his shoulders that he was just as tense as he himself was feeling; Cas didn't know if that made him feel better or not._

_Sam kept the conversation simple, and light, filling Cas in on their cases, and asking questions about Cas' work with such genuine enthusiasm that eventually broke Dean from his stupor long enough to roll his eyes._

_Cas trained his eyes away from Dean so often that he gave himself a neck ache._

_It was both reassuring and heartbreaking to Cas how easy it was to slip into conversation with Sam and Dean, and that feeling of 'just like old times' was unsettling, long after the call had ended._

_Dean's text after that first Skype call was grateful, and warm._

_***_

_Their next Skype it was just the two of them, and without Sam as a safety buffer they were awkward and on edge. It took much longer to get to a place of comfortable teasing, and sharing of painful and non painful memories. But eventually, it did become easier, and there had even been laughter once or twice. Cas found himself staring at the blank screen long after the call had ended._

_And then,_

_(unknown number): I thought I should give you this number. I only use the other one to speak to you, and it is pointless paying for two SIMs. That phone is also close to its demise._

_(unknown number): ...this is Castiel. I should have mentioned that._

_Dean: :D Thanks, Cas. Yeah, it does make sense. Me and Sam just have a lot of different phones because...well. You know._

_Cas: I do. :)_

_Dean: ...is it okay if I give your number to Sam? I know he'd like to hear from you._

_Cas: Of course._

***

Cas sighed, coming back to himself yet again, wondering not for the first time if having Sam visit with Dean would have made that easier too. But Sam had made it quite clear with his texts that while he really wanted to see Cas, there would be plenty of time for that in the future. The implication being that there would be other visits, and other opportunities to meet. Cas tried to take comfort in that instead of feeling rising panic.

Cas took his phone out of his pocket to check the time, a clench on his heart when he saw how close Dean was to arriving.

His thumb swiped over the screen, and he found himself scrolling through their messages again, as though within them he would find if not answers, then strength.

_Dean: How's work today, Cas?_

_Cas: A little challenging. I am attempting to make sense of a badly-translated French document with much terminology I am either unfamiliar with or the author has invented. I believe I have a 'tension headache.'_

_Dean: :( Then take a break._

_Cas: I cannot. The deadline is tomorrow._

_Dean: Can you work on something else for a bit? Would that help?_

_Cas: I have three other ongoing projects, two of which I must complete by the end of this week. I do not think they will distract me in any way that is good._

_Dean: How about me? Am I distracting you in any way that is good? ;)_

_Cas: You are making me smile, Dean. And not want to work. I don't know if I should term that as 'good'. Or helpful. :)_

_Dean: I like that I make you smile :)_

_Dean: Unless you're laughing at me. Are you laughing at me, Cas?_

_Dean: I don't know what I did that was funny..._

_Dean: Do you need me to leave you alone?_

_Cas: You can continue if you wish. I may just be delayed in replying._

_Dean: Now see, if I were there, Cas, I'd definitely distract you. Sam always complains, but he never means it: he can't resist my burgers when he's been hitting the books too long. It's a special distraction recipe, best washed down with beer; works every time._

_Cas: :) do not make me crave burgers, Dean. Then I might have unnecessary encouragement to leave my apartment._

_Dean: :D If I were there, I'd cook you some while you worked. I'd even keep the singing down to a minimum. I'm good like that ;)_

_Cas: ...you'd cook for me?_

_Dean: sure. I love cooking :) I had to get inventive when we were kids... I got pretty decent._

_Cas: ...perhaps I can be the judge of that when you visit, Dean_

_Dean: Cas. Tell me that was an invitation._

_Cas: It was an invitation._

_Dean: When?? I can come tonight if you're free? I mean I know you're not, you just told me you've got a lot of work, but... when?_

_Cas: :) I really am very busy this week..._

_Dean: I know... sorry. I guess I got carried away there_

_Cas: but I will be done by Friday lunchtime. You could come after that if you want._

_Dean: ...seriously??? You'll let me?_

_Cas: Of course, Dean. I am not so stupid as to miss the opportunity of someone cooking for me ;)_

_Dean: :D if I'm cooking us dinner... you'll have to take me shopping._

_Dean: And maybe I could book into a motel, stay overnight? Maybe even stay the weekend?_

_Dean: ...is that too much? Sorry, Cas. Maybe I should just come for a few hours. I didn't mean to bombard you. I was just thinking of the food coma after we eat and that I'd be too tired to drive back._

_Dean: Cas... please..._

_Cas: Dean. I apologise... I was working on a particularly difficult paragraph and had to silence my phone in order to concentrate. Your plans are acceptable._

_Dean: :D honestly? Tell me, Cas. Tell me if it's too much._

_Cas: It is not too much. It will be good for us to 'catch up' properly._

_Dean: Yeah, Cas. It really will :) :) :)_

_Cas: I've been thinking, Dean._

_Dean: You changing your mind, Cas?_

_Cas: Not exactly. I wondered if you would prefer to stay at my apartment instead of a motel. It would only be a sofa to sleep on. But if you wanted to, you would be welcome._

_Dean: You'd really let me do that?_

_Cas: Of course. I would not offer otherwise._

And although there was no going back now, Cas still felt a mixture of apprehension, regret and horror that he'd invited Dean to stay with him. For an entire weekend.

Cas pinched the bridge of his nose, then jumped as his phone beeped in his other hand.

_Dean: Hey, Cas. I'm downstairs, I think. Is the door to your building white with some potted plants on either side?_

_Cas: It is. Come up. I am on the third floor, furthest from the stairwell. I apologise: there is no elevator._

_Dean: No problem. I'll be up in a sec :)_

Cas forced himself not to hyperventilate, repeating over and over that this was no big deal. In fact, it was no 'deal' at all: this was Dean. There was no other person that Cas knew so well. Or had known. _Or...something._

And that there, that very fact, clearly was the biggest problem, and biggest deal of them all. Because it was _Dean_.

The knock on the door made him gasp unnecessarily, bringing to conclusion all of his musings and last minute indecision.

Cas breathed in, and out, calming himself, and walked towards the door.

*** 


End file.
